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2003-10-24 @ 8:21 p.m. : >>
Changes
Some years ago now, I used to have my own website. Well, admittedly, it was only actually two years ago but errm.... yes... well...
I used to be quite proud of it, if I remember rightly. Now I am most definitely not and hope that I am correct in thinking it has now been removed entirely from cyberspace. For it was one of the most tacky things ever created, full of crappy floating colored pictures and dreadful syrupy music that started playing when you clicked on various things.
I still love tackiness actually. But tackiness that is recognized as tacky by its creator. This most definitely was not recognized as tacky. 19 year-old me thought this was the most splendid taste imaginable.
One of the things I had written up on this website was this: "I live in England but my heart really belongs to New England where I escape wherever possible and hope to live someday."
Just days ago, I was in New England. Let me tell you, my heart does not belong there any more. And I do not even care very much. I seem to have lost all feeling for the place. I wonder now what I could ever have loved about it so much.
Is that sad, do you think? Maybe it is. Maybe it should be. I don't really feel any sadness though.
It was nice to see the kids. It is always nice to see the kids. I still love them very much and believe that I always will. (I used to be their nanny. Did I ever explain that? I looked after them for 9 months when I was 18/19).
But... but.. well... I'm finding it hard to explain this.
"So, do you feel like you've come home again, Miranda?" their Dad asked, when he arrived home to find me getting them ready for bed.
I did not have the heart to tell him that no, I don't this time. This isn't home any more. I have moved on. Brighton is the place that I call home now. And Brighton is worlds away from Greenwich, Connecticut. So many worlds away that is actually quite amusing to think of wealthy, green, suburban Greenwich compared to youthful, colorful, happening Brighton.
It seemed like telling the truth to them - the people who jokingly call themselves my "American parents" - would have been rather hurtful somehow. But perhaps I should have done so anyway. I think I resented somewhat, that I felt they were treating me like the girl I used to be, rather than the girl that I am now. I felt somewhat patronized. Like they wanted me to be their little girl. I do not want to be their little girl. I am my own person now. Grown-up. Independent.
I have changed. A lot.
Changes
Some years ago now, I used to have my own website. Well, admittedly, it was only actually two years ago but errm.... yes... well...
I used to be quite proud of it, if I remember rightly. Now I am most definitely not and hope that I am correct in thinking it has now been removed entirely from cyberspace. For it was one of the most tacky things ever created, full of crappy floating colored pictures and dreadful syrupy music that started playing when you clicked on various things.
I still love tackiness actually. But tackiness that is recognized as tacky by its creator. This most definitely was not recognized as tacky. 19 year-old me thought this was the most splendid taste imaginable.
One of the things I had written up on this website was this: "I live in England but my heart really belongs to New England where I escape wherever possible and hope to live someday."
Just days ago, I was in New England. Let me tell you, my heart does not belong there any more. And I do not even care very much. I seem to have lost all feeling for the place. I wonder now what I could ever have loved about it so much.
Is that sad, do you think? Maybe it is. Maybe it should be. I don't really feel any sadness though.
It was nice to see the kids. It is always nice to see the kids. I still love them very much and believe that I always will. (I used to be their nanny. Did I ever explain that? I looked after them for 9 months when I was 18/19).
But... but.. well... I'm finding it hard to explain this.
"So, do you feel like you've come home again, Miranda?" their Dad asked, when he arrived home to find me getting them ready for bed.
I did not have the heart to tell him that no, I don't this time. This isn't home any more. I have moved on. Brighton is the place that I call home now. And Brighton is worlds away from Greenwich, Connecticut. So many worlds away that is actually quite amusing to think of wealthy, green, suburban Greenwich compared to youthful, colorful, happening Brighton.
It seemed like telling the truth to them - the people who jokingly call themselves my "American parents" - would have been rather hurtful somehow. But perhaps I should have done so anyway. I think I resented somewhat, that I felt they were treating me like the girl I used to be, rather than the girl that I am now. I felt somewhat patronized. Like they wanted me to be their little girl. I do not want to be their little girl. I am my own person now. Grown-up. Independent.
I have changed. A lot.